Are You A Good Friend To Yourself?

Are you a good friend to yourself?

That’s the question I hear God challenging me to ask myself lately. It kind of surprised me, actually. A good friend—to myself? Hmmm... Am I kind to myself? Am I forgiving? Do I give myself grace to make errors, to fail, to learn from my mistakes and—ultimately—to grow from them? Or am I too hard on myself? Do I get impatient with the pace of my growth? Do I replay a mistake in my head over and over again and beat myself down for saying or doing the wrong thing? 

Here’s a way I like to challenge my “self talk.” When you have a negative thought about yourself, stop yourself in the middle of that thought and ask yourself, “Would I talk to my good friend this way?” If the answer is a strong, “Heck no!” you might have to work on your negative self talk. 

Another great question to ask in the middle of a negative thought is, “Whose voice is that?” Is it God’s voice? No. Is it my voice? Maybe. Is it someone else’s voice? Maybe a parent, a teacher, a coach or someone that had influence in your life? Is it the world’s voice? Are you trying to live up to some standard you saw in a movie, on social media, on a magazine cover? Maybe. Is it the enemy’s voice? We have an enemy and his main goal is to lie, to steal, to destroy and to accuse you. If he can derail you off the tracks of life and take you out of the game, he has achieved his goal. He attempts this in many ways: shame, insecurity, depression, anxiety, deception, fear...you get the picture. He wants to devalue the very thing God placed inside of you to change this world. He wants to muffle it and reduce it to a whisper. Don’t let him. When his accusations bombard your thoughts, stop them in their tracks. “That is not true.” Combat those lies with what God says about you. Be a good friend to yourself and encourage yourself with His truth! “I am lovable. I am worthy. I do have a purpose...”

Sadly, sometimes the enemy doesn’t even have to do much because our own self talk is discouraging enough. When I get up and pick out my clothes for the day, do I stand in the mirror and think, “Ugh. You look fat.” Do I glare at my own body in the mirror. Do I loathe the way my stomach bulges or sags in places it’s not supposed to—according to the magazines and my social media feeds. “Why did you eat that Little Debbie snack last night?! (True story.) Why can’t you control yourself? You’re never going to fit back into your “skinny” pants again. Way to go.” Or do I have compassion on myself and say, “My pants are too tight...I guess I haven’t been eating the best lately. What’s going on, Heather? Is something bothering me? Am I eating to fill an emotional need I feel is not being met or am I stressed about something I haven’t dealt with?” When I have compassion for myself I give myself permission to be open and honest with what’s really happening deep down. And I believe all negative self talk is rooted in something deeper. 

Do I invite God unto my self talk? “Why am I angry at myself, God? Can you help me understand this emotion?” He knows us better than we know ourselves. He created us and knows every intimate detail of our thoughts and how we tick—so why not ask the One who created us? Psalm 139:14 says, “I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex! Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking. It simply amazes me to think about it! How thoroughly you know me, Lord!” (TPT‬‬) He knows us! He made us mysteriously complex! I love that. It makes me feel better that, at times, I might not even understand myself...but, thank God, He does. ;)

Here’s another question I like to challenge myself to answer: 

Do I like my own company? 

I know a lot of people that will do anything to avoid being alone. They want to always be around people or always have a tv on or a radio playing or some other distraction. I used to be like that. For me, it was because I didn’t like being alone to hear my own thoughts. I didn’t like my own company because I was not a good friend to myself. I’m not talking about introverts or extroverts here. There are people that feel more energized after being with others and there are people who feel more energized being alone. We need both. I’m talking about sheer avoidance. Purposely choosing to distract yourself with people, devices, social media, tv, music, hobbies, etc. Anything to avoid being alone with your thoughts. Because when you’re alone with your thoughts you have to listen to them. You have to confront that thing that might be gnawing at you on the inside. You can’t run fast enough to get away from yourself. You’ll always catch up to yourself sooner or later. I hope sooner. And I hope you stop to get to know yourself—enough to maybe start to think you’re not so bad after all.

Hear my heart, the self love I’m talking about is NOT about pride, conceit or an “in your face” attitude here. The kind of attitude that says, “Well that’s who I am, so take it or leave it, honey. I’m not changing for anyone. This is me—so deal with it!” (I honestly think those are other subtle ways to cover up insecurities.) I’m talking about a genuine love for who you are and who God made you to be. A humble love that recognizes that God made you unique for a reason. To recognize and appreciate your unique expression as a gift and ask God, “How do you want me to use this for your kingdom?” That, to me, is true self love. Not the kind that is pushy, prideful and abrasive. The kind that is humble, loving, willing to put others first, but also able to recognize its own expression is beautiful and important. 

You are a unique expression of God. You reflect a part of Him that no one else does. You view things in a way that no other human does. Your handwriting, your eye color, your personal tastes—those are all unique traits when compiled together make a one-of-a-kind expression called YOU. God saw a need in the world for your presence and the space you occupy. You have purpose and so does your uniqueness. The things that you feel might make you “different” are things that actually make you beautifully unique. That’s worth celebrating...not hiding or hating on.

I read a quote that said, “You live most of your life inside your head. Make sure it’s a nice place to be.” No one wants to come home to a negative environment where they’re berated with discouragement, disappointment and hatred. Make sure the space in your head is a safe, positive place to be. Be kind to yourself. I don’t mean you should be in denial or ignoring issues, but give yourself grace and time to walk through things. Ask yourself in a situation, “What would I say to my best friend if they had this issue?” Try to offer that same grace and kindness to yourself. 

Are you being a good friend to yourself? You are the person you spend 100% of your time with, so make sure you are someone you WANT to be with. You can’t love others until you love yourself. Ask God to show you how to better love the unique expression He made you to be on this Earth. Ask Him to show you how HE sees you. He always sees us through love. Like a Good Father, He sees the potential inside of us. He sees the best version of us. Ask Him to show you the best version of you...and believe it. Embrace it. Run with it. That’s how He will move mountains through you. 

You are so loved. ❤️

Me with a sign I created for my church. ❤️