I'm Not Perfect & My Pants Are Too Tight

Yesterday was a bad day. It was one of those days that you just want to lock yourself in your bedroom and eat dark chocolate all day. I'm just going to say it: I was crabby. (Insert gasp of disbelief here.) I stayed up too late on social media the night before, didn't get enough sleep, didn't give enough time to my devotions, didn't exercise, didn't eat healthy, wasn't patient with my kids or my husband—and to top it all off, my pants were too tight. 

Let's just say I was not a shining example of the Proverbs 31 woman. I had a bad day.

When I opened my Bible this morning, up pops the verse: “Be still, and know that I am God!” (Psalms 46:10)

I can't seem to escape this verse lately. God keeps putting it before me. (I'm beginning to get a complex.) I think I'm doing well and being still, but I keep hearing that still, small voice say, “Be still, and know that I am God!" It seems so simple. Be still and know. So, why is it so difficult for me? Because, I don't want to be still! I want to run and do and go! Being still means sitting...with me. If I'm honest, I'm not always my favorite person to be with.

"Be still" comes from the Hebrew stem of the verb rapha, meaning to be weak, to let go, to release.

Let go and be weak?

Wait—what?!

I can't admit that I'm weak! I have to be strong and have it all together and look good too! I have to keep up a "perfect" Pinterest house with a "perfect" loving marriage and "perfect" obedient kids and a "perfect" healthy and toned body—with a thigh gap. (Ha! My thighs have not seen a gap since...well, let's not go there.) AND I have to be a "perfect" Godly example to others while I do it. I have to spin all my plates perfectly in the air without dropping a single one. I have to strive to prove that I'm worthy to be loved, to be accepted, admired—to feel important. Somehow my brain thinks I have to be busy and earn these things. I feel the need to produce something to be someone of worth. I have to be "perfect."

Let go and be weak. Know that He is God...and I am not.

In order to know He is God, I have to let go of all my spinning plates and face the scary truth: I am not, nor will I ever be, perfect. "Perfect Heather" is a fictitious character. An unattainable goal. A fantasy. A photo-shopped picture of reality. A calorie-free piece of chocolate cake. You get the picture. There is no such thing. (There was only One that was perfect, and I am clearly not Him.)

I am not enough in and of myself. I am weak. I'm impatient, short tempered, cynical, insecure, prideful, selfish, moody, bossy, lazy, (I sound like a lot of fun, huh?) and the list goes on. Sometimes I want to watch Project Runway instead of reading my Bible. Sometimes I want to stay in my pajamas and eat Swiss Cake Rolls instead of exercising—and then I get mad when my pants don't fit. Sometimes I'd rather send my kids to go play video games than to engage them in a family activity. Sometimes I get impatient with my husband and snap at him instead of walking in love. ("Did you leave your socks out for a reason? Will you be wearing them again or are you redecorating our bedroom one pair of socks at a time?!" I can get a little snippy, people—pray for my husband.) Sometimes I purposely don't make eye contact with someone I know at the grocery store to avoid an awkward conversation (I'm just not up for it today...and I'm not wearing any makeup). When I focus on all my flaws I begin to think, "I'm a hot mess! How can God use me?!" That's when God steps in and reassures me that He is very aware of all my short comings—but He loves me any way. Not only does He love me, He wants to use me. 

God knows me and He has some things to say about me too. He says I am holy and without blame before Him in love, He says I am His workmanship, He says I can do all things through Christ Jesus, He says I am more than a conqueror through Him Who loves me, He says I am part of a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a purchased people, He says I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ. How do I qualify for all these important titles? I don't qualify, I just have to be still (let go and acknowledge my weakness) and know Him. 

I must acknowledge my weakness in order to know and receive His strength. Otherwise, I'm living in my own strength; and that strength is very limited. I'm not perfect, but He is. I'm not always loving and kind, but He is. I'm not always patient, I don't always put others first, I'm not always faithful—but thank God, He is.

He reminds me to focus on Him and His ability, rather than focusing on me and my inabilities. 

You see, He has placed me in a world that is filled with people that are also "hot messes." So really, I'm quite perfect for the job. Who can better help someone that is insecure than someone that has walked through insecurity? When I share my weaknesses, others can relate and say, "You've done that? Me too!" And the door is open to share His strength through my weakness. 

There will be bad days. There will be days that my pants are too tight. I won't be able to squeeze who I am into the mold of who I think I should be. I don't "fit" into the high standards I've set for myself. There will be days that I don't live up to my own expectations much less God's. And that's okay. Because every time I acknowledge my weakness, I give myself an opportunity to receive His strength.

So I will humbly say, "I'm not perfect. My pants are too tight...and that's okay." Because I know Who is perfect, and I doubt there are any pants big enough for Him any way.